Where to go when you are stressed and overwhelmed...HOME. For me this is wherever Ron is but lately I've been feeling the pull of my first home. My Farm. I keep making the decision to not move there knowing in my heart of hearts that it's not right and then something pushes me back there.
As my mom's health fails a bit she keeps mentioning me and my family moving home. This is not an ideal situation. I love my family but often that love gets in the way of making the best decisions for me. What my life needs not theirs. What my family needs...not them. What is going to be best for my husband and my daughter at the end of all of this.
On the one hand there is the opportunity to live on one of the most beautiful pieces of land around and such a better place for Evie to grow up. On the other hand...it would involve living with my parents again and the potential to live with my sister. I will never live with her again. She disowned me and that is where I'm leaving her. Disowned and discarded. I'm tired of being the one to forgive. I will never open my heart to the hurt that is Elle again. She is on her own. I will also never have Evie around her.
Big things to think about when I should be sleeping. So with that I must power down and try to let my brain absorb some of this before my little one wakes up.
Funny thing about benching thoughts to a draft for over a year...the sentiment is still the same. I've been constantly pulled towards Kaelies since moving out in my early 20's. I came home for a brief stay after college and then left. Since that time I've been thinking of being there again. Dreaming of it really. Being in the safety of those 20 acres. Surrounded by the wind, coyote calls, smell of fresh cut grass and lady bugs. There are always lady bugs there and that is strangely comforting to me.
I am going to continue to pray about where my family should be and what will be best for all of us. In the mean time I guess I'll just dream of wide open spaces and starry nights.
Blessings, Ara
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