A Sunday at Kaelie's in 2008

I found this in some old files I was going thru and as the year passes I am revisiting some of these feelings and worries. My Mom is still sick. How bad I don't know. She doesn't talk about it except to elude to the need to finish things and complete her "list". I suppose I'm no closer to being ready to loose her but am feeling a bit more at peace then I was 48 hours after learning about her cancer. I guess some things never really change. I still want to be the little girl and I still feel weak. Now I'm a Mom too though and with that has

come a new found strength. A part of my self I didn't know existed. So for now I'm going to enjoy every minute I have and deal with anything else later.

A Sunday At Kaelie’s

June 15, 2008...48 hours after hearing that my mom has a stage 4 cancer coursing thru her body I embarked on a journey that helped me find a bit of peace. There is 20 acres sitting on the ridge of a beautiful valley in Duvall WA. My parents moved me there kicking and screaming at the age of 12 and now I can’t imagine anywhere I’d rather be when the world is scary and rough.

There are fields of buttercup that are rarely disturbed by more than the occasional rabbit or deer and then there are the fields that house the horses. There is nothing better than sitting on the edge of a pasture, early in the morning, listening to the sound of hay being eaten by an enormous animal. The joy that it affords me is almost indescribable. Life would not be the same in my busy world if I didn’t have this visual and sound to fall back on.

My mother is a horse lover…that is only the mild statement about the passion my mom has for her animals. She is most at peace in the presence of the four legged friends of our world. She’s herself…

This day in Duvall I captured that…her body is waging a war against itself and yet for a few solid hours she didn’t have to worry about that. She rode her horse and flew…arms stretched out, face to the sun…she soared. Her hair blew in the wind, her body became one with her mount and she looked like herself. Not fearful, not weak…Strong and confident. She was the woman I believed her to be all my life.

I watched her ride today…really watched her. I’ve seen her on the backs of horses all my life but today something was different in my eyes…I SAW. It’s a connection like none I’ve seen before. It’s sensual in a non sexual way. It is a movement that two bodies make as one. A relationship that is bonded and between two souls. Some people say that animals don’t have souls…I wonder if those people have looked in the eyes of a horse who has just carried their rider on a day like today. I saw soul in Linney’s eyes today and I know my mom felt soul too.

There was a moment, near the end of our day together that my mom laid back on Linney and closed her eyes. She was stretched across his back and her arms were relaxed. Her hair was gently resting on his hip…the sun hit the top of her head and she glowed. That was the memory I’ll keep with me. That was my mom. At peace on the back of a horse and resting. Loving and resting…that is what I’ll remember.

I’ll remember her hair at 25 when it was long and cover her completely, at 35 when she cut it short and colored it red, at 45 when it was blond…golden like sun, and almost 55 speckled with gray. I’ll remember her shoes…simple and plain until she turned 50 and then they got funky. She’s got orange boots, coach tennis shoes and strappy sandles. She wears clothes in her own style and doesn’t care what others think or see. She’s a little bit cowgirl and a little bit stay at home mom. She’s a lover of music who used to rock out when I was a kid.

I’ll remember her strength…she’s going to beat this and be the rare one. She’s going to get old…really old. She’s going to see her grand babies born and help me raise them. God’s time isn’t yet. It can’t be. I’m not strong enough yet. I can’t be strong enough yet. I still need to be weak. I need to be weak…I need to be weak!