It's been a long winter for me. I've been dealing with a lot of things and my mind has been too full to even admit I am overwhelmed. I am a new mom. Evie is beautiful and wonderful and full of spit and vinegar and I love her so much. My Mom is sick...really sick. I am dealing with all that involves. I am a wife. I never thought that last one would be such a chore but a loving chore it is. It's also a lot of work to keep things good and fresh.
I attend a Mom's and Kids group at a friends church on Thursday mornings. For about 4 months now I've been going, politely smiling and saying a quick hello to the other women and keeping my heart and soul properly boxed up. Today...something was different. I don't know if it was the seam that finally ripped in my perfect little box or that I finally realized I need friends. I need people to know that these things are really too much for me to deal with and I need help. I shared that mom has cancer. I cried. I felt better.
Something about letting a group of women who know basically nothing about me carry a tiny little piece of this burden and pain felt good. I know I won't say anything again for a really long time and I'll probably never get to know these woman any more than the polite smile and simple hello but...maybe, just maybe there is another Amy or Doniell in the crowd. A woman who over time will be allowed to really know me. Someone I can call when things are rough or scary or funny and exciting.
I realized sometime between sitting down at the big long table this morning and the moment my mouth opened up saying I needed prayers that I don't have to do this all alone. I create the boxes I live in and somewhere in the big bad world I perceive, there are other women like my amazing long distance friends that I miss so much. I need to open my heart and let the light shine again a little more often. Just a little more often.
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