Grief and fear

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. - C.S. Lewis

4 years, 4 months and 14 days...the length of time my Mom has been battling cancer. 

3 years, 2 months, and some days...the length of time you would have never known she was ill.

3 years, 11 months and a few hours I suppose...the length of time she was still completely and totally herself. 

I look a these numbers and days and hours and see fear.  From the day she called to tell me they found a lump I have been scared.  Not every moment of every day, not all the time but in some little place in my head it's always just waiting to jump to the surface.  

fear: 

noun

1.

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain,etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension,consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror,trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm,intrepidity.

2.

a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. Synonyms: phobia, aversion; bêtenoire, bogy, bogey, bugbear. Antonyms: liking, fondness,penchant, predilection.

3.

concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

Fear is distressing, emotional, and anxiety causing.  Fear of loosing her, fear of being a woman who is motherless, fear of what will happen when the time comes, fear of raising my very young daughter without her guidance, fear of her pain, fear of my families pain. Just fear. 

So on those days when my heart is fearful I am reminded that I am not alone.  

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9  

He is with me wherever I go. He carries me when I am too weak to walk.  He 

is my strength.  My guide.  My weak heart just forgets sometimes.  

If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people. - Thich Nhat Hanh

The quote above is gentle and sweet.  It shows me no matter where I go...she will always be with me. She continues to fight the fight.  She is fading.  She is changing.  I feel fear because I see her slipping away.  So I write...I record my thoughts to try to get a break from them for a short time.  

Praying for those who are feeling some of this also tonight.  Praying if you come across these words they help just a little bit.  I'm not afraid of fear so much when I remember God is with me, He is good and faithful, and I always have her in the palm of my hand. 

my sweet little holding her GiGi's hand.  <3 p="p">