Where do you begin when trying to record a moment like this...
It's quiet in the room, I can hear the iv pump doing its job across the room. Mom's breaths are ragged and slowing down. I am alone in the room with just my Mama and sweet Nana. Three generations just sharing space. We aren't talking, we aren't looking at each other, we are just here.
The fact is my Mama hasn't spoken in a few days, she hasn't looked at anyone in many hours and she isn't really fully here anymore. What she is doing is listening. She hears all of us. I'm sure of it. Her breathing will increase. Her eyelids will flutter.
Her body is covered except for her head and she has had the blanket I made for her ever since she received it on Christmas. It makes me feel good to see it keeping her warm now. In these final moments of life she is covered in my love.
I told myself I would be strong. Brave even since I fear none of this...only feel pain for the loss. However as the day has progressed I have lost some of that resolve. I have had moments of internal anger. Fear. Pain. and surprisingly to me...joy!
I have had time to reflect on our lives together and the amazing woman I was blessed with for a Mom.
She wasn't always the most attentive. But fiercely protective. She loves us with abundance. She is hardworking, protective, gleeful about learning, musical, kind, a fabulous friend to those she loved and equally bad to those she didn't.
I am sure there will be a day very soon I will be eloquent again as for now I'm just recording this day to remember when my thoughts fail me.
At the end of all of this I am loved by her and she by me. That's all that matters at the end of days.
Love...
It's quiet in the room, I can hear the iv pump doing its job across the room. Mom's breaths are ragged and slowing down. I am alone in the room with just my Mama and sweet Nana. Three generations just sharing space. We aren't talking, we aren't looking at each other, we are just here.
The fact is my Mama hasn't spoken in a few days, she hasn't looked at anyone in many hours and she isn't really fully here anymore. What she is doing is listening. She hears all of us. I'm sure of it. Her breathing will increase. Her eyelids will flutter.
Her body is covered except for her head and she has had the blanket I made for her ever since she received it on Christmas. It makes me feel good to see it keeping her warm now. In these final moments of life she is covered in my love.
I told myself I would be strong. Brave even since I fear none of this...only feel pain for the loss. However as the day has progressed I have lost some of that resolve. I have had moments of internal anger. Fear. Pain. and surprisingly to me...joy!
I have had time to reflect on our lives together and the amazing woman I was blessed with for a Mom.
She wasn't always the most attentive. But fiercely protective. She loves us with abundance. She is hardworking, protective, gleeful about learning, musical, kind, a fabulous friend to those she loved and equally bad to those she didn't.
I am sure there will be a day very soon I will be eloquent again as for now I'm just recording this day to remember when my thoughts fail me.
At the end of all of this I am loved by her and she by me. That's all that matters at the end of days.
Love...
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