Today we celebrated a sweet friends 60th birthday!

  I loved every minute of our time with them and yet found myself feeling just a bit sad.  As I watched their family gather round the tables and eat.  I sat with my husband and daughter and watched from a distance.  These are people I have known for years and love but they aren't my family. 

They are my best friends family. They are wonderful and kind but not mine.  They are held together by the bond that only comes from blood and birth right.

When my mom passed my family kind of dissolved. Evie will never know what having a grandma is like. Summer sleep overs, special birthday lunches, just because I love you outings.  She will have Ron and I to do the best we can but there is something magical about a grandma.  This is what I saw today...

My beautiful god daughter sitting with her wonderful grandma and my heart playing tug of war.  Being pulled between happy, because it is a beautiful relationship and heartbroken because I desperately want that for my baby. 

Time does seem to soften loss and ease the immediate pains of a mama's passing but it never goes away and tonight my heart hurts. 

People always say you can create the family you want but that just isn't true. No matter how hard you try you are always going to just be a guest in their lives...not the blood.

 

Evalyn's 4th year in pictures

Evalyn Faith turned 5! 

Can't believe it's been 5 years since my sweet little girl joined our family.  Evie you bring such joy to our lives.  Your spirit is so full of God's love and joy that my heart is fuller because of it.  

Here are a few of my favorite pictures and moments from your 4th year.  I pray that this coming year is so much more...in every way.  

I love you!

I have a mom shaped hole in my heart...times two

    I have a mom shaped hole in my heart...times two.
I lost two amazing women last year and today I can't stop thinking about Diane's passing.
I happened two months after my mom died. I watched my daughter cry and my husband shut down and all I could do was live...barely.

I tip-toed through my days trying not to upset anyone. Trying to keep my head above water. Trying to just keep the tiniest smile on my girls face and the pain out of my loves eyes...I failed!

I failed in a fog.

I failed in pain.

I just simply failed!

It does get easier. It gets softer. It gets less {knife in the heart}, and yet...it still hurts and makes my eyes leak.

My sweet girl still talks of her grammers and her Gigi but I am learning to love it. The simplicity of a child's heart helps us all along.

Diane, I loved you and I didn't tell you often enough.
 til we meet again... 

i miss

I miss...

walking to the stop sign and back when the sun came out watching you talk about rocks with E, coffee dates in the middle of the day, phone calls when my heart was breaking or my mind was confused, knowing you were always there day or night, your advice always being the same...fight!, your smile that was so often laced with mischief, the smell of hay and shampoo when you walked into a room, your love of learning...and the joy in your eyes when you completed something new and difficult, the way you loved me like no one else, always and unconditionally,

I miss...

She needed glasses to see...(from Dear Evalyn)

Dear Evalyn, 

Oh sweet girl, we figured it all out this last month. You can't see with out glasses.  You function well but you don't really see! 

The wonder on your face as we fitted you with glasses was amazing.  You were really seeing the world for the first time.  

Trees and stars became full of excitement, riding your bike was easier, art...oh sweet art you seem to be devouring, coloring immediately improved, letter recognition...all of the things you tried were more fun and not such a challenge because you could see!

This was our first preemie related obstacle and you hurtled over it with leaps and bounds.  You took to those spectacles like you had never had anything different.  I have been so impressed by your wisdom and understanding of things lately.

Daddy and I have always talked to you like you were an adult and we didn't do anything different when it came to you wearing your glasses...we told you that you needed to wear them and so you did.  Easy Peasy!  

I love that when it's important you are so laid back. You never fight at the doctor, at the grocery store you follow directions, you don't run away from me, you stay right by the car when I tell you to and most importantly...you wear your glasses without argument...I love you for that!

(your box house we made together complete with door bell and window box full of flowers for spring)

Sweet Dreams baby girl, 

xoxo, Mama

written ages ago and benched as an idea...now is relevant again

Sometimes in life doors open when you least expect it and other times they open and literally suck you out so fast your head spins. I think I might be heading in the latter's direction. It seems like life changes daily for me.

Where to go when you are stressed and overwhelmed...HOME. For me this is wherever Ron is but lately I've been feeling the pull of my first home. My Farm. I keep making the decision to not move there knowing in my heart of hearts that it's not right and then something pushes me back there.

As my mom's health fails a bit she keeps mentioning me and my family moving home. This is not an ideal situation. I love my family but often that love gets in the way of making the best decisions for me. What my life needs not theirs. What my family needs...not them. What is going to be best for my husband and my daughter at the end of all of this.

On the one hand there is the opportunity to live on one of the most beautiful pieces of land around and such a better place for Evie to grow up. On the other hand...it would involve living with my parents again and the potential to live with my sister. I will never live with her again. She disowned me and that is where I'm leaving her. Disowned and discarded. I'm tired of being the one to forgive. I will never open my heart to the hurt that is Elle again. She is on her own. I will also never have Evie around her.

Big things to think about when I should be sleeping. So with that I must power down and try to let my brain absorb some of this before my little one wakes up.

Funny thing about benching thoughts to a draft for over a year...the sentiment is still the same. I've been constantly pulled towards Kaelies since moving out in my early 20's.  I came home for a brief stay after college and then left.  Since that time I've been thinking of being there again.  Dreaming of it really.  Being in the safety of those 20 acres.  Surrounded by the wind, coyote calls, smell of fresh cut grass and lady bugs. There are always lady bugs there and that is strangely comforting to me.  

I am going to continue to pray about where my family should be and what will be best for all of us. In the mean time I guess I'll just dream of wide open spaces and starry nights.  

Blessings, Ara

finding my father

She spent all of her adult life with this man. My father.  She loved him, hated them, played and fought with him.  Most of the time they were just together my whole life.  It was something that always just was.  They just were...and now, well they aren't.  

She graduated to heaven and left us behind.  Somehow we have to figure out how to be without her and there is some joy in this process.  A new relationship, a new friend.  A father who has always just BEEN now seems to really BE.

I loved her so much and now have to find my way to loving him as much.  

Thank you Lord for the opportunity.
  

again? really God?

So just to be clear i don't generally question God or his plan. I follow him with an open heart and mind.
Today I am asking myself why? And I am asking you too God! Why?
CANCER!!! AGAIN?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This can not be happening again.

I really expected some sort of a break between disasters. I expected a reprieve for my family. I needed some peace before explaining to my three year old that her only grandma left is really sick. In the hospital. In her young eyes grandmas go to hospital to die.

reality is she probably will. She has plenty of other health issues to battle and no real will to live. Its a bad situation. Mentally she gave up a long time ago. She is tired and not willing to fight.
how do we do this again?
how do we support our baby girl through this...again?
how do I stay "In Christ" when I feel so horribly attacked by the devil?
HOW!!! WHY????
 

A day will come...

A day will come when I will only remember your smile, your snorty laugh and the way you loved me always.  I'll remember the times we baked together and the times we danced in the living room when I was 6, 7, 8, and all the way to the year you died.  

A day will come when the sun will shine and my first thought won't be you are giving me this day to help soften the pain in my heart.  I'll just enjoy the day for what it was. Just a day that the sun shone.

A day will come when I will not cry at the first thought of you...that was not today.  

Today I remember the way you smelled of lotion and hay.  I remember the dirt under your nails. I remember the slightly crooked way your glasses sat on your nose.  I remember the gentle way you watched your granddaughter do EVERYTHING from the moment she was born with unabashed awe. Like you had never seen someone like her before.  

Today I only cried once...Which is at least 5 times less than yesterday.  Maybe someday soon it will be once every now and then...but not today.

I will love you always.  I will never understand why you left so soon.  I still need you and wish you were here.  

seven days ago...

It's been a week...seven small insignificant days. I've done dishes (many loads actually), I've done laundry, grocery shopped, driven more miles than I can count, started a bible study group and...lost my Mama.

She passed on January 10th, 2013.  After 10 days in the hospital the cancer finally won.  She put up a valiant fight and won many of the battles but in the end it was stronger than her.  

What started as a trip to Overlake for pain control of some very sore feet ended with her joining God in heaven.

I'm still in shock I think.  I am not sure how much it has hit me.  I'm not dealing with much in the way of anything.  

I will say this though...all her strength.  All her gumption.  All her resolve...I have that in me.  I didn't know that until her last 48 hours of life.  I knew in my heart I needed to be there but until her last breath i didn't realize SHE needed me to be there.  People had been coming and going most of the day. Staying just a few moments each.  I think we all knew.  Dad and Elle had just arrived for the night and headed out to get a coffee before it was too late.  The room was quiet.  My Aunt and Uncle were sitting quietly.  I was trying to read but very unsuccessfully.

I glanced up and saw her face change a bit.  Her once rapid eyes had quieted.  Her face softened and her breaths got very shallow.  I knew.  All the time I had been praying for God to show me what to do and thankfully he did.  

I reached up and got really close.  Just by her ear.  I told her she was a good Mama. She was the best one for me. She was a good wife, daughter, grandmother, friend, coworker and teacher.  I told her to go peacefully and be with Jesus. I told her to kiss her daddy.  I whispered I love you and told her it was time.  

And she stopped...just stopped being.  She didn't breathe again, she didn't anything.  I don't ever want to forget her but I also want this memory to soften in my mind.  I want to let it blend into feeling and not actual visions.

It haunts me a bit.  Those last moments...I wouldn't have it any other way.

mama i love you~Always

Remembering today

Where do you begin when trying to record a moment like this...

It's quiet in the room, I can hear the iv pump doing its job across the room.  Mom's breaths are ragged and slowing down.  I am alone in the room with just my Mama and sweet Nana.  Three generations just sharing space.  We aren't talking, we aren't looking at each other, we are just here.

The fact is my Mama hasn't spoken in a few days, she hasn't looked at anyone in many hours and she isn't really fully here anymore.  What she is doing is listening.  She hears all of us. I'm sure of it.  Her breathing will increase.  Her eyelids will flutter.

Her body is covered except for her head and she has had the blanket I made for her ever since she received it on Christmas.  It makes me feel good to see it keeping her warm now.  In these final moments of life she is covered in my love.

I told myself I would be strong.  Brave even since I fear none of this...only feel pain for the loss.  However as the day has progressed I have lost some of that resolve.  I have had moments of internal anger.  Fear.  Pain.  and surprisingly to me...joy!

I have had time to reflect on our lives together and the amazing woman I was blessed with for a Mom.
She wasn't always the most attentive.  But fiercely protective.  She loves us with abundance.  She is hardworking, protective, gleeful about learning, musical, kind, a fabulous friend to those she loved and equally bad to those she didn't.

I am sure there will be a day very soon I will be eloquent again as for now I'm just recording this day to remember when my thoughts fail me.

At the end of all of this I am loved by her and she by me.  That's all that matters at the end of days.

 Love...

Grief and fear

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. - C.S. Lewis

4 years, 4 months and 14 days...the length of time my Mom has been battling cancer. 

3 years, 2 months, and some days...the length of time you would have never known she was ill.

3 years, 11 months and a few hours I suppose...the length of time she was still completely and totally herself. 

I look a these numbers and days and hours and see fear.  From the day she called to tell me they found a lump I have been scared.  Not every moment of every day, not all the time but in some little place in my head it's always just waiting to jump to the surface.  

fear: 

noun

1.

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain,etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding, apprehension,consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright, panic, horror,trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage, security, calm,intrepidity.

2.

a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. Synonyms: phobia, aversion; bêtenoire, bogy, bogey, bugbear. Antonyms: liking, fondness,penchant, predilection.

3.

concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

Fear is distressing, emotional, and anxiety causing.  Fear of loosing her, fear of being a woman who is motherless, fear of what will happen when the time comes, fear of raising my very young daughter without her guidance, fear of her pain, fear of my families pain. Just fear. 

So on those days when my heart is fearful I am reminded that I am not alone.  

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9  

He is with me wherever I go. He carries me when I am too weak to walk.  He 

is my strength.  My guide.  My weak heart just forgets sometimes.  

If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people. - Thich Nhat Hanh

The quote above is gentle and sweet.  It shows me no matter where I go...she will always be with me. She continues to fight the fight.  She is fading.  She is changing.  I feel fear because I see her slipping away.  So I write...I record my thoughts to try to get a break from them for a short time.  

Praying for those who are feeling some of this also tonight.  Praying if you come across these words they help just a little bit.  I'm not afraid of fear so much when I remember God is with me, He is good and faithful, and I always have her in the palm of my hand. 

my sweet little holding her GiGi's hand.  <3 p="p">

Tutorial: Mantle Initial

I bought this wood L at Hobby Lobby ages ago.  I had big plans for it.  So big in fact I did NOTHING with it for ages because I could not for the life of me choose which big idea I liked best.  

Every time I opened my craft cupboard this L stared at me.  Basically taunting me to do SOMETHING...anything with it. 

Last night, after moving it for the thousandth time, I decided to just go for it.  I have seen a few ideas on Pinterest that I really liked.  Some people had covered theirs in flowers, fabric, paper collage and some had simply painted it.  I had also seen signs like this...

I loved them all and that is what kept me from doing anything.  Then a funny thing happened...I remembered I'm creative.  I know, I had to actually remember this.  I get lost sometimes in the comparing and less in the creating.  So last night I just went for it.  

Supplies: 

 

An old book...I never read, glue, wood letter, paint and paint brush.

First step: was to mix some glue, water and a bit of brown paint.  I wanted my final project to have an aged look so I used brown paint in my glue mixture.  If you have ModPodge on hand use that.  I am out so I just made do.  

Second step: was to start ripping pages.  My letter is on the smaller side. About 10 inches tall so I didn't need many pages.  As I was tearing my paper to get the edge design I liked I realized the chapter numbers were bigger and would work well for the date portion of my plan so I pulled the appropriate pages and set them to one side. 

Step three: is gluing the pages down.  I found it was best to add a layer of glue directly to my letter, firmly press the paper strips on to the letter and then brush another layer of glue on top.  I totally soaked my paper to get it to adhere and still had some issues.  I added more glue to my mixture and found it to work a bit better after that.  Just keep playing with it til you get the right mix.

I let this completely dry before cutting off the excess.  

I added the date of my anniversary at the bottom with the chapter numbers from above and it looked like this.

Then the fun begins...decorating.  I didn't take step by step pics of this part because everyone is going to do something different. I chose to make a quick flower out of an old zipper I had, added some fake plastic rhinestones my daughter had from a project, a bit of ribbon and free handed the words and this is what I came up with...

I really LOVE it!  Simple, goes with everything and looks good on my mantle.  I will do another one in the future that is bigger but for now I love this.  Plus my 5 year anniversary is just around the corner so I'm happy.  

Enjoy crafting and just go for it!